I start my first poetry and practice class tonight. I’m feeling a bit nervous, a bit excited and a bit overwhelmed with too many other commitments. I wrote this in preparation.
Contrary – feeling like that today. Think of myself as an optimistic but then what bops out of my mouth is no –
Woke up today with the fresh light of dawn and thought about yes. Yes, I could be positive, I could constrain the shake of my head, bend it to a nod.
But even before I got out of bed, I said no. I said no to getting up at 6:40 to exercise.
I shook my head to another idea.
I tried to interrupt my friend before words were out of her mouth.
I said no to a chocolate (that was difficult – my whole body was saying yes).
All this is in less than an hour.
I diverged from one path, blocked another.
Responded to an email antagonistically. Then regretted hitting the send button.
I looked upon the sun, but only saw the clouds that obstructed it. Felt too warm, and then too cool.
A girlfriend said, “don’t change now.” Not realizing how difficult it would be to widdershins my usual temperament.
The student that just walked in, for advice — it made me laugh as I started out saying “no you can’t just eliminate that.” Made me laugh at myself because the embrace of yes is so foreign I rush headlong, willful, into the automatic disagreement.
Does that make me disagreeable?
Contrarian, nitpicker The problem now is magnified. I’m feeling stressed, rushed constrained. Finding ill fitting time to breath deep, relax. Embrace the affirmative. Know that positive intent rides like a halo around those who are coming into my orbit.
The day is more than half over. The page is miserly in its words. The cup is half empty (or is that half full) My attempts half-baked. Or maybe fully raw.
It is at these moments that I think the safest place for me and my bundle of antagonisms is in my bed with the covers over my head.
No one can hear me, no one can see me.
No vacillation will occur.
Whoops, I own the Know. Because here it is again. The awkward self-consciousness of being human.
There are hours left in the day. Encounters still to be made. Opportunities to practice self-control or (to be more positive) practice being constructive.
Many more chances try again to say Yes to the world.